dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
