fuck your aforementioned shoe
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
