she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
