my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
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I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
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We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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