Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
