I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
