I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
