I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I fill condoms, not promises.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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