i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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