I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
