I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
