I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
