Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
