I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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