This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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