Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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