thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
