My hand turned me down
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
