I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
