Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
