I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
