That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
