apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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