i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
