My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
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