the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
