Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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