Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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