My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
