so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
