i barfeds in our rink
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
