Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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