totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
