I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
