I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
