Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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