Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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