In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my being single is dangerous.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
