Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
