I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
