shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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