I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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