just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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