Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
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u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
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Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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