i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
