I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
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normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
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We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize