whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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