not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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