He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
