For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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