I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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