omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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