i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
