I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
