he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
