i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
