yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
