I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Randomize
