so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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