I met the friendliest cop last night
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
