just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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