what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
