You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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