What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
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Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
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Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.