pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up