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There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
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