when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?