he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
