my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
