true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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