im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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