Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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