The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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